Style Conversational Week 1093: Sometimes an oh-notion; The Empress of The Style Invitational ruminates on (ewww) the week's new contest and results Washington Post Blogs October 9, 2014 Thursday 7:39 PM EST Copyright 2014 The Washington Post All Rights Reserved Length: 2284 words Byline: Pat Myers Body I'm glad I noticed before this week's Style Invitational went online -and especially before the print version was typeset -that this week's fabulous second prize, the set of four crocheted coasters depicting the rear view of raised-tail cats, was pictured upside down. So you would have seen this instead of this. It was my fault; when my computer uploaded the photo from my phone, it automatically inverted it, and I didn't notice before passing it on to Arts & Style's layout editor. In the upside-down view, the little cat feet in crocheting artist Shanna Compton's design look a bit like little (or big) cat ears, and the curved tail looks as if it's sitting on the floor. But then, hmm, what's that little pink star in middle of the cat's ... face? chest? So I'm glad the cats are back on their feet again. And thanks again to nine-time Loser Diane Wah, who got them just for us -or, actually, for you. Provided that you're just a leeeetle short of being the funniest writer in Week 1093. This week's contest, which I slammed into existence just days after 162-time Loser Mark Raffman suggested it to me, bears some resemblance to one of my first contests as Empress, almost exactly a decade ago: Dating from October 2004 (Week 581) and headlined "Evil Things in Store," that contest asked the Losers to "think of similarly evil or just plain stupid practices that the staff of a retail or other establishment might perpetrate." The contest was suggested by then-rookie Dave Prevar (now the Dave Prevar of 245 inks), who'd written in with this Tru-Life Experience: "I was looking for some over-the-counter back pain relief, and guess where the store stocked it? The bottom shelf, naturally. It took me a while just to get down there, and I hung on to a shelf to get back up. While I was down there, I even helped an older feller with his selection." That example wouldn't really apply to Week 1093, because it seems to be based in just thoughtlessness rather than greed. But some of the results of Week 581 can inspire you -thie first runner-up is classic. Here's the whole list, with both kinds, including true ones: Report from Week 581, in which we asked you to think of evil or stupid practices that a business might perpetrate. About half of you took this as an opportunity to vent hair-tearingly about actual insanities you've witnessed, including the ever-popular waiting on hold with tech support because you can't connect to the Internet, and hearing a repeated recording directing you to a Web site; and numerous sightings of drive-through bank lanes that featured Braille keypads. The remainder were fanciful -at least as far as we know: The Empress cannot guarantee that there isn't some sign on some bus somewhere that says, "Illiterate? For help, write to . . ." Third runner-up: True story: I once went to an Italian restaurant where the restrooms were marked Donne and Uomini. I figured that donne was the plural of don, and so . . . (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Second (ewww) the week's new contest and results runner-up: Peep shows that won't start when you put the money in because "I think you know why." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First runner-up, the winner of the SpongeBob SquarePants sponge, plus a Loser pen: Replace the candy in the checkout lane with kittens and puppies. (Stanley Halbert, Lawrence, Kan.) And the winner of the Inker: "Due to the increase in Metro ridership, all commuters will now be required to make reservations at least 24 hours in advance. Please arrive at the station at least 30 minutes before scheduled departure to receive your seating/ standing assignment." (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Honorable Mentions:IMAGINED EVILSInstalling automobile GPS devices that give directions in a choice of two voices --Porky Pig and Betty Boop. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)A large scale in a restaurant with an arrow pointing to a mark that says, "You must weigh less than this to order the Triple Death by Chocolate dessert." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)Certain confessional booths designated for only mortal sins. (Chuck Smith)Furniture stores institute a "you sit, you buy" policy. (Eric Murphy, Chicago)Restaurants suggest a tip of 5-pi percent. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Danny Bravman, St. Louis)"If you are deaf, press 1 . . ." (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Sell each produce item in a different novel way. Grapes: 4 cents each. Coconuts: $7.23 per cubic decimeter. (Russell Beland, Springfield)Along with the Levitra prescription, include condoms with wrappers that take four hours to open. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.)Emergency number is 1-800-271-8684; Press 1 for medical emergency, Press 2 for fire . . . For an electrical fire, press 1; for burning wood, press 2 . . . (Art Grinath)Encourage people to pay for debt consolidation services with a credit card. (Art Grinath)Display canned tomatoes with the canned pears and peaches instead of with canned vegetables, since, technically, they ARE fruit. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)A housing developer could honor world culture by naming all the streets in a suburban subdivision after, say, famous Indians and Serbs, e.g., Ananda K. Coomaraswamy Boulevard, Zeljko Joksimovi Way. (Peter Metrinko)Free cold medicine with the rental of any heavy machinery. (Russell Beland)Pay toilets also have coin slots inside for pay toilet paper. (Chuck Smith)Grocery stores could put Aunt Jemima pancake mix in the ethnic-foods section. (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the first-ever Anti-Invitational winner: Add a half-cent to every price at dollar stores in Virginia so that, with the 4.5 percent sales tax, each item costs exactly $1.05. (Russell Beland) TRUE EVILSLarge-size bras are always hanging on the lowest, almost-on-the-floor racks, causing us top-heavy shoppers to have to bend over, losing our balance. This is evil. (Christy Miller, Charlottesville)Drive-through liquor stores: for when you're too drunk to walk. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)Hey, ladies, don't you just love those feminine-product disposal units stuck at nose level right next to the toilets in public bathroom stalls? (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)When applying for a job as an English teacher for foreign students, a friend of mine was handed a form that said at the top: "If you are unable to read English, please ask for a translator." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)In a warehouse store in Nebraska a while back, I wandered into the feminine-products area. And there, on a support beam, between the tampons and the sanitary napkins, was a shrink-wrap/card display of ice picks. (Don Critchfield, Washington)In a CVS, the sign over the aisle read: Candy / Snacks / Diet Aids (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington)I like how supermarkets now sell freshly brewed coffee --and have those little platforms by the checkout keypad slanted just enough for your coffee to slide off while you pay. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)Banks are happy to lend you money when you don't need it. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)Publish KidsPost in the same section as Tell Me About It [Carolyn Hax's advice column], The Style Invitational and stories about sex toys. (Russell Beland) And Last: From the Metro section of the Oct. 24 Washington Post: "Maryland education officials have notified Prince George's County that it cannot use federal money to provide extra tutoring because a large number of its public schools are falling behind under the No Child Left Behind law." (Rosie Behr, Baltimore) Note that today's headline is stolen directly from Kevin Dopart's honorable mention today -His definition of his neologism "oh-notion" is what Week 1093 is all about. You don't get a physical prize for it, but Keeper of the Stats Elden Carnahan gives a point in the Loser standings -the same single point that he gives to someone who wins the whole contest -for an honorable-mentions subhead, and even one for the "revised title," the alternative headline for the next week's contest that runs at the bottom of the online Invite. (ewww) the week's new contest and results Not too many people send in suggestions for these headings, so you might have a better chance to get ink than with a regular contest entry (on the other hand, I choose just one each, so maybe the chance isn't that much better -but hey, it doesn't require tons of effort, either). But first, I have to see your entry. Make sure of this by sending your HM/RT entry or entries -you can send up to 25 each, in addition to your regular entries -on a separate e-mail to the regular address, losers@washpost.com, and indicate in the subject line something that shows you're sending entries in either or both of these categories. (It's fine to send both in the same e-mail, and if you can't decide whether a certain title would be better for the honorable mentions or the alternative headline, that's okay.) See, as opposed to when I judge the regular contest entries -in that case, I work from one huge combined file with everyone's name deleted -when it's time for me to choose an honorable-mention subhead or a revised title, I just scroll down my e-mail inbox for that week's entries, and look only at the e-mails so designated. Usually, it's no more than a dozen. So if you just write it along with your regular entries, I might remember to group it with the other HMs/RTs, but there's a better chance I won't. Desperately seeking Losin'*: The results of Week 1089 (Subhead by Tom Witte) I was so excited four weeks ago to run a neologism contest based on a word-search grid, because I knew I was going to get lots and lots of different entries. I wasn't disappointed. I had expected a deluge of e-mails, because it was going to be easy to find some word or other, with the flexibility of the Boggle-style snaking of letters that was permitted -and that didn't happen; fewer than 200 people entered the contest. But many of those entrants sent the full complement of 25 entries, and many others at least 10, so it was no problem at all to find the 38 that got ink today. My first-cut "shortlist," in fact, was something like 150 entries. I'll definitely do this contest again. All four of the "above the fold" winners this week are regular guests in the Losers' Circle: The most frequent visitor among them is Pam Sweeney, who gets Ink No. 243 (and 244) and her 23rd blot above the fold, including nine wins, since Week 499. Frank Osen might as well just set up a cot -he has 21 above-the-fold inks in just three years of Inviting (and 121 blots in all). Today's Inkin' Memorial winner, Mark Raffman (who also suggested this week's contest, it turns out) is in rarefied territory as well: It's his seventh win, 15th above the fold, and 162nd ink, all in only a little more than two years. Whew. So in this company, Rob Wolf isn't quite as obsessive, but he's no dilettante: This is Rob's 29th ink, and second Loser Mug or Grossery Bag (Rob, let me know which). One entry was nixed this week by The Post's managing editor, the No. 2 guy in the newsroom: It was by almost First Offender George Wright: "Jivecrime: The next target for the NYPD's stop-and-frisk initiative. Also known as talking while black." Kevin argued that "jive" is considered offensive, especially in the context of the "stop and frisk" police practice, "which has actually led to people getting beaten unmercifully, in some cases, and even killed." I do think "jive" is an outdated term of slang, as in the hilarious "I speak jive" scene in the 35-year-old movie "Airplane." On the other hand, Kevin did not comment on "Clintonhole," or a picture of four crocheted cat anuses, so I'm not complaining. (For stuff that even I wouldn't think of running, see the bottom of this column, but only if you have no taste.) One entrant decided to keep tracing through the word-search grid until the sun went down. I didn't actually verify this one, and actually couldn't really follow it, but I'll share this effort from Larry Lasday: K-15: OOGLE AMYS MOTEL COT ON BANK TIME FAD SENDS TONY LUCK: Occurs when Tony, the bank teller, takes advantage of the time his fellow fantasy football league bank coworkers spend searching the internet for leaked photos of Amy Adams by claiming Andrew Luck for his fantasy football team. Win a vintage Style Invitational bumper sticker! And by "win," we mean "show up to claim": It's your Special Grand Party Favor for attending this month's Loser brunch at noon on Sunday, Oct. 19, at the buffet of The Front Page in Arlington, just a block from the Ballston Metrorail station. Ur-Loser Elden Carnahan has donated a huge stack of Czarist-era honorable-mention bumper stickers to the Greater Loser Community, so here's a chance to get a piece of Invitatiana that hasn't been produced (ewww) the week's new contest and results since 2003, when we switched to the magnets. I'll be there, and hope to meet some new people as well as see the Invite regulars. RSVP to Elden at NRARS.org; click on "Our Social Engorgements" at the top of the page. Effpelt: A beaver. (Jeff Shirley)Jismotel: Its rooms are available in 15-minute segments. (Edmund Conti)Peecolo: A skin flute. (Kathleen DeBold) [actually, I'm not sure that was unprintable, but Kathleen asked that it not be printed in the Invite)Matitse: A French artist who specialized in frontal nudes. (Elden Carnahan) [again, not shocking, but it wouldn't have gotten in]FistFaux: Marital aid. "She couldn't coax him from watching the playoffs in bed, so she amused herself with her Fist-Faux." (Sylvia Betts) And Rob Wolf's alternative definition to the one that got him a runner-up this week: Clintonhole: What to use when a humidor is not nearby. Next week's prize - a toy man who farts bubbles.